Dad

Dear Dad,

My letters to you are getting few and far between which I'm not sure is good or bad. Today was Madelyn's birthday party. Her first party without you here and the one you probably would have enjoyed the most. There was popcorn...your favorite, hot dogs, cake, ponies, jupiter jumps and kids running everywhere. Madelyn really enjoyed herself and for the most part things went smoothly. You would be so proud of her Dad and the little "adult" she has become. She can now ride a "big girl" bike with training wheels of course but still a bike. She can drive the gator, which I still do not support but tolerate. Several times today Mom and I almost broke down but then composed ourselves. I wish more than anything you could have been there. I miss you Dad. I can't even begin to tell you how much. Tomorrow we are going to the fair. Mom is taking Madelyn to see Princess on Ice and Paul and Maxwell and I are just going to the fair to look around. I will not ever forget how much you loved the fair. I will think about you the whole time I am there.

I love you Dad.

Why I married my husband

So Paul is doing this 30 days to a better man challenge and on day one he is supposed to list his 5 core values...this is his list:

My five core values/principals

 

1. Sanguinity-Passion for life, Confident, and Optimistic

2. Commitment/Fidelity

3. Compassion/Empathy/Mercy

4. Helpful/Selflessness/ Servanthood

5. Self-Reliance with Humility

Who could ask for a better partner in life?  I love you Paul.  Thank you for being you and for loving me for being me.   

Maxwell's favorite toy

Maxwell having fun with Mama!

I "pity" the fool...

Just found out that my last post has a lot more validity than I ever imagined. Wow! I'm Paul's Yoko Ono. I think that will be our Halloween costumes.

Peace and Love

~From the "generally NOT nice person"

Let it be resolved

I've always identified with Elphaba, the misunderstood witch from Wicked. I wanted to name Madelyn Elphaba but Paul wouldn't let me. If you've ever read the book OR watched the musical you would easily see how I make this connection. Elphaba has strong opinions and often times gets herself into trouble because of being herself. There is a line from the song Defying Gravity in the musical that I love...

"Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love it comes at much too high a cost"

I'm tired of trying so damn hard. I really am. Ever since college it seems I'm running around trying to appease other people and STILL not doing enough. I've put up with too much even if it seems to those around me I haven't put up with enough. Well here is a notice: I. AM. DONE. I'm done going to bat for people who will not do the same for me. I've caused shit in my life to TRY to better the lives around me and for what? FOR WHAT? Not a damn thing.

"So be it then, I'm wicked through and through. I promise no good deed will I attempt to do again. Ever again."

Poor Paul, he is stuck with a bitch like me. Right? That's what everyone's been thinking for almost 4 years now. And if Paul says anything different it's because I've made him, right? I've made Paul do lots of things....get married, leave the catholic church, not talk to family members, graduate early, have kids....yep, it's all me making Paul do those things.

Dad

Dear Dad,

I miss your voice. I miss your laugh. A lot of things have gone wrong lately and I would give anything to have you here with me to give me the advice I need. I feel I have nowhere to turn. I feel like the odd man out.

I miss you

Love,

Lyndsey

Dad

Dear Dad,

I'm 26 now.  My birthday was ok but nothing like the big bangs I used to have.  Mom made me a cake and cooked me dinner and Paul bought me Guitar Hero.  I like the game and I play it often to try to numb my thoughts of you.  I found out the other day the school is thinking of making me History Department chair and I immediately picked up my phone to call you which then threw me into a very bad mood.  No one can appreciate this accomplishment like you would have.  I feel my life is coming apart and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it.  I feel so alone without you, like my only ally has abandoned me in the middle of the battle.  I think of how happy all of us were this time last year and then look at life now and see how miserable it is.  Man what a change.  Do things ever go back to normal?  I don't think they will.  I can't see how I can ever be myself again.  I'm moody Dad... beyond moody.  Everything is personal to me now and anytime someone says/does something to piss me off I just think...it should be you instead of my Dad.  Now, who lives like that?  I thought that with each day it would get easier (like so many I-been-there people have told me) but it doesn't get easier...it gets harder.  Each day is a day I don't get to talk to you, each day something happens I WANT to tell you about, each day I realize how much time I wasted when you were alive.  I am desperate to still make you proud Dad (hopefully I did when you were alive) but right now I am good for nothing.

I miss you

Love,

Lyndsey