Dad

Dear Dad,

I'm 26 now.  My birthday was ok but nothing like the big bangs I used to have.  Mom made me a cake and cooked me dinner and Paul bought me Guitar Hero.  I like the game and I play it often to try to numb my thoughts of you.  I found out the other day the school is thinking of making me History Department chair and I immediately picked up my phone to call you which then threw me into a very bad mood.  No one can appreciate this accomplishment like you would have.  I feel my life is coming apart and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it.  I feel so alone without you, like my only ally has abandoned me in the middle of the battle.  I think of how happy all of us were this time last year and then look at life now and see how miserable it is.  Man what a change.  Do things ever go back to normal?  I don't think they will.  I can't see how I can ever be myself again.  I'm moody Dad... beyond moody.  Everything is personal to me now and anytime someone says/does something to piss me off I just think...it should be you instead of my Dad.  Now, who lives like that?  I thought that with each day it would get easier (like so many I-been-there people have told me) but it doesn't get easier...it gets harder.  Each day is a day I don't get to talk to you, each day something happens I WANT to tell you about, each day I realize how much time I wasted when you were alive.  I am desperate to still make you proud Dad (hopefully I did when you were alive) but right now I am good for nothing.

I miss you

Love,

Lyndsey