Dad

Dear Dad,

It's been a month and although I put on a good show, I do not feel any better. I have returned to Tulsa for the time being and think of you all the time. Today I will go shopping to try to numb the pain. I also have my first grief counseling appointment but I doubt it helps. Mom started going through your IBM stuff and is having to trash all your manuals/books. It's a pain in the ass not to mention makes us miss you more and more. You really should have thrown stuff away Dad. I was going through some cards you had saved and found one I gave to you on Father's Day 2003. I am so happy I wrote you the letter that was in it. It said everything I wanted to say. I let mom read it and she cried a lot. So, I'm glad you saved at least that card. But a lot of this other stuff you could have thrown away.
Last night I cried a lot, mostly because I remembered how hopeful I was when you got sick. I was so blindly optimistic and I'm afraid I will never get that back. Used to when someone told me "it will be okay" I believed them...now I think "sure, that's what Dad said". You've left a hole in my life that I don't think will ever be filled. Ever. I'm mad because the only person I felt like I could talk to in times like these is the one who has left me. Kristin and Mom have each other but who do I have? You've left me all alone and I want to hate you for that but I can't. Because I truly believe that you tried your hardest to stay with us even at the very end and I have to acknowledge your effort. Nevertheless, I know of all more people that are more deserving to be dead than you. Yeah, I said it...and I know what you would say "Lyndsey, you shouldn't think that way" Well, I do Dad and I would give anything for heaven to have an exchange program.
Your Grandchildren are getting so big. Maxwell has graduated to a big boy stroller and is eating just about every baby food he can. He is still the sweet little boy you knew and has his Mama wrapped around his finger. Madelyn is her Mama made over. That basically sums it up, right? She is a big helper with her brother though. God I wish you could see them Dad. Madelyn asks about you all them time. This morning she told me that rice crispy cereal was your favorite cereal and that is why she was eating it. She's a character...



We miss you Dad.

Love but still pissed,

Lyndsey

Ways to irritate me

Put me in a room to learn about teaching at the college level and then put a cheerleading camp in the next damn room. Not smart TU.

Dad

Dear Dad,

I went back to Tulsa on Sunday night and when I came back to Wagoner on Monday Mom was a mess.  I've now concluded I have to stay forever.  Sometimes I will go through the house and think...you just left everything, how dare you not pick your stuff up.  But then I remember you weren't planning on leaving and this is not one of your business trips, even though Mom and I expect you to call every night and when it doesn't happen we go to bed a little more disappointed than we were the night before.  I'm getting her to walk more which I think will help her mindset but you leaving is probably the hardest thing she's ever had to go through.  Your sister is out of Grandma's house now, which is good but I don't think Grandma believes me when I tell her that is what you wanted in the first place.  I keep going through your things hoping to find something you've left behind for me.  If it is here, I haven't found it yet.  Anyway, I miss you...a lot.  I had a glass of wine from one of the 10000 bottles up in your room.  It was bitter sweet because I could chose any bottle I wanted without you to tell me no but my God how I wish you were here to tell me no.  

Love but still pissed,

Lyndsey

Stick it up your ass

Well, there is one thing that has gone back to normal...my anger. I hate stupid people. Hate them. In fact, I would totally support having to take a test before ever being allowed to procreate. How's that for Pro-life, assholes? Stop lecturing me on how good you are because no one gives a shit. Oh and also...NO ONE BELIEVES YOU AND EVERYONE MAKES FUN OF YOU. Everyone. So you can take your "my life is so perfect and everything I do is right" attitude and shove it up your stupid, ignorant ass. You shit-hook.

Dad

Dear Dad,

It has been a week since your death and I do NOT feel any better.  I sit in your office more mad at you than I have ever been.  They say there are 6 steps to grief but I doubt I get past the 2nd one.  I HATE IT that you left so abruptly without any goodbyes.  Why did you not write a letter when you were told you had 9 months?  Or record a video?  How were you so certain you could beat this shit? And why in the world were you not honest with me?  You know it's funny Dad when I hear people say "I'd rather be a soldiers widow than a coward's wife" because I wonder if Mom feels that way.  I would rather you have stayed home from Vietnam so you were never exposed to "agent orange" and I bet, and this is just a guess, Mom feels the exact same way.  I want my father back.  I resent the fact you are gone and so many ungrateful people are here.  I'm trying to be strong like I told you I would but I feel it is impossible.  I hate this world and I'm really starting to not like God.    

Love but still pissed,

Lyndsey