Dad

Dear Dad,

It's been a month and although I put on a good show, I do not feel any better. I have returned to Tulsa for the time being and think of you all the time. Today I will go shopping to try to numb the pain. I also have my first grief counseling appointment but I doubt it helps. Mom started going through your IBM stuff and is having to trash all your manuals/books. It's a pain in the ass not to mention makes us miss you more and more. You really should have thrown stuff away Dad. I was going through some cards you had saved and found one I gave to you on Father's Day 2003. I am so happy I wrote you the letter that was in it. It said everything I wanted to say. I let mom read it and she cried a lot. So, I'm glad you saved at least that card. But a lot of this other stuff you could have thrown away.
Last night I cried a lot, mostly because I remembered how hopeful I was when you got sick. I was so blindly optimistic and I'm afraid I will never get that back. Used to when someone told me "it will be okay" I believed them...now I think "sure, that's what Dad said". You've left a hole in my life that I don't think will ever be filled. Ever. I'm mad because the only person I felt like I could talk to in times like these is the one who has left me. Kristin and Mom have each other but who do I have? You've left me all alone and I want to hate you for that but I can't. Because I truly believe that you tried your hardest to stay with us even at the very end and I have to acknowledge your effort. Nevertheless, I know of all more people that are more deserving to be dead than you. Yeah, I said it...and I know what you would say "Lyndsey, you shouldn't think that way" Well, I do Dad and I would give anything for heaven to have an exchange program.
Your Grandchildren are getting so big. Maxwell has graduated to a big boy stroller and is eating just about every baby food he can. He is still the sweet little boy you knew and has his Mama wrapped around his finger. Madelyn is her Mama made over. That basically sums it up, right? She is a big helper with her brother though. God I wish you could see them Dad. Madelyn asks about you all them time. This morning she told me that rice crispy cereal was your favorite cereal and that is why she was eating it. She's a character...



We miss you Dad.

Love but still pissed,

Lyndsey