Dad

Dear Dad,

My letters to you are getting few and far between which I'm not sure is good or bad. Today was Madelyn's birthday party. Her first party without you here and the one you probably would have enjoyed the most. There was popcorn...your favorite, hot dogs, cake, ponies, jupiter jumps and kids running everywhere. Madelyn really enjoyed herself and for the most part things went smoothly. You would be so proud of her Dad and the little "adult" she has become. She can now ride a "big girl" bike with training wheels of course but still a bike. She can drive the gator, which I still do not support but tolerate. Several times today Mom and I almost broke down but then composed ourselves. I wish more than anything you could have been there. I miss you Dad. I can't even begin to tell you how much. Tomorrow we are going to the fair. Mom is taking Madelyn to see Princess on Ice and Paul and Maxwell and I are just going to the fair to look around. I will not ever forget how much you loved the fair. I will think about you the whole time I am there.

I love you Dad.

Why I married my husband

So Paul is doing this 30 days to a better man challenge and on day one he is supposed to list his 5 core values...this is his list:

My five core values/principals

 

1. Sanguinity-Passion for life, Confident, and Optimistic

2. Commitment/Fidelity

3. Compassion/Empathy/Mercy

4. Helpful/Selflessness/ Servanthood

5. Self-Reliance with Humility

Who could ask for a better partner in life?  I love you Paul.  Thank you for being you and for loving me for being me.   

Maxwell's favorite toy

Maxwell having fun with Mama!

I "pity" the fool...

Just found out that my last post has a lot more validity than I ever imagined. Wow! I'm Paul's Yoko Ono. I think that will be our Halloween costumes.

Peace and Love

~From the "generally NOT nice person"

Let it be resolved

I've always identified with Elphaba, the misunderstood witch from Wicked. I wanted to name Madelyn Elphaba but Paul wouldn't let me. If you've ever read the book OR watched the musical you would easily see how I make this connection. Elphaba has strong opinions and often times gets herself into trouble because of being herself. There is a line from the song Defying Gravity in the musical that I love...

"Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, if that's love it comes at much too high a cost"

I'm tired of trying so damn hard. I really am. Ever since college it seems I'm running around trying to appease other people and STILL not doing enough. I've put up with too much even if it seems to those around me I haven't put up with enough. Well here is a notice: I. AM. DONE. I'm done going to bat for people who will not do the same for me. I've caused shit in my life to TRY to better the lives around me and for what? FOR WHAT? Not a damn thing.

"So be it then, I'm wicked through and through. I promise no good deed will I attempt to do again. Ever again."

Poor Paul, he is stuck with a bitch like me. Right? That's what everyone's been thinking for almost 4 years now. And if Paul says anything different it's because I've made him, right? I've made Paul do lots of things....get married, leave the catholic church, not talk to family members, graduate early, have kids....yep, it's all me making Paul do those things.

Dad

Dear Dad,

I miss your voice. I miss your laugh. A lot of things have gone wrong lately and I would give anything to have you here with me to give me the advice I need. I feel I have nowhere to turn. I feel like the odd man out.

I miss you

Love,

Lyndsey

Dad

Dear Dad,

I'm 26 now.  My birthday was ok but nothing like the big bangs I used to have.  Mom made me a cake and cooked me dinner and Paul bought me Guitar Hero.  I like the game and I play it often to try to numb my thoughts of you.  I found out the other day the school is thinking of making me History Department chair and I immediately picked up my phone to call you which then threw me into a very bad mood.  No one can appreciate this accomplishment like you would have.  I feel my life is coming apart and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it.  I feel so alone without you, like my only ally has abandoned me in the middle of the battle.  I think of how happy all of us were this time last year and then look at life now and see how miserable it is.  Man what a change.  Do things ever go back to normal?  I don't think they will.  I can't see how I can ever be myself again.  I'm moody Dad... beyond moody.  Everything is personal to me now and anytime someone says/does something to piss me off I just think...it should be you instead of my Dad.  Now, who lives like that?  I thought that with each day it would get easier (like so many I-been-there people have told me) but it doesn't get easier...it gets harder.  Each day is a day I don't get to talk to you, each day something happens I WANT to tell you about, each day I realize how much time I wasted when you were alive.  I am desperate to still make you proud Dad (hopefully I did when you were alive) but right now I am good for nothing.

I miss you

Love,

Lyndsey

Ways to Irritate Me

Sit me in a room to learn how to teach at the college level and then put cheerleaders in the next damn room... AGAIN.  You're pushing it TU.  Rah Rah Rah.

Dad

Dear Dad,

Today is our first real holiday without you (I don't count Father's Day because it is just made up for the card companies). Not only is it a holiday without you but it was your favorite holiday. Last night we were at Paul's Dad's house and popped some firecrackers. Madelyn was scared but I told her the firecrackers were trying to climb up in the sky so you could see them and they make a big bang so you can hear them. She seemed satisfied with that explanation and is no longer scared of the firecrackers. All in all, this day sucks and I wouldn't care if everyone just stopped celebrating independence day all together. Besides, you and I both know only about 25% of people truly know the history of this day.

Listen Dad, I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm sorry I didn't make time to give you a hug goodbye the last time I saw you. I'm sorry I was afraid of the smell of the chemo and therefore did not sit up in your hobby room with you. I'm sorry that one time at Bells I made you ride the Zingo by yourself because I wanted to ride with another friend. I'm sorry for the time in college I didn't talk to you for a week because I was mad at you for asking if I was gaining weight (which I was). I'm sorry I quit softball too soon. I'm sorry I got irritated at you when you coughed too much. I'm sorry I didn't take advantage of the last 4 months of your life and spend much more time with you. I'm sorry I didn't call you everyday just to see how things were going. I'm a bad daughter and I'm sorry.

I love you

Happy 4th Daddy.

Lyndsey

Dad

Dear Dad,

It's been a month and although I put on a good show, I do not feel any better. I have returned to Tulsa for the time being and think of you all the time. Today I will go shopping to try to numb the pain. I also have my first grief counseling appointment but I doubt it helps. Mom started going through your IBM stuff and is having to trash all your manuals/books. It's a pain in the ass not to mention makes us miss you more and more. You really should have thrown stuff away Dad. I was going through some cards you had saved and found one I gave to you on Father's Day 2003. I am so happy I wrote you the letter that was in it. It said everything I wanted to say. I let mom read it and she cried a lot. So, I'm glad you saved at least that card. But a lot of this other stuff you could have thrown away.
Last night I cried a lot, mostly because I remembered how hopeful I was when you got sick. I was so blindly optimistic and I'm afraid I will never get that back. Used to when someone told me "it will be okay" I believed them...now I think "sure, that's what Dad said". You've left a hole in my life that I don't think will ever be filled. Ever. I'm mad because the only person I felt like I could talk to in times like these is the one who has left me. Kristin and Mom have each other but who do I have? You've left me all alone and I want to hate you for that but I can't. Because I truly believe that you tried your hardest to stay with us even at the very end and I have to acknowledge your effort. Nevertheless, I know of all more people that are more deserving to be dead than you. Yeah, I said it...and I know what you would say "Lyndsey, you shouldn't think that way" Well, I do Dad and I would give anything for heaven to have an exchange program.
Your Grandchildren are getting so big. Maxwell has graduated to a big boy stroller and is eating just about every baby food he can. He is still the sweet little boy you knew and has his Mama wrapped around his finger. Madelyn is her Mama made over. That basically sums it up, right? She is a big helper with her brother though. God I wish you could see them Dad. Madelyn asks about you all them time. This morning she told me that rice crispy cereal was your favorite cereal and that is why she was eating it. She's a character...



We miss you Dad.

Love but still pissed,

Lyndsey

Ways to irritate me

Put me in a room to learn about teaching at the college level and then put a cheerleading camp in the next damn room. Not smart TU.

Dad

Dear Dad,

I went back to Tulsa on Sunday night and when I came back to Wagoner on Monday Mom was a mess.  I've now concluded I have to stay forever.  Sometimes I will go through the house and think...you just left everything, how dare you not pick your stuff up.  But then I remember you weren't planning on leaving and this is not one of your business trips, even though Mom and I expect you to call every night and when it doesn't happen we go to bed a little more disappointed than we were the night before.  I'm getting her to walk more which I think will help her mindset but you leaving is probably the hardest thing she's ever had to go through.  Your sister is out of Grandma's house now, which is good but I don't think Grandma believes me when I tell her that is what you wanted in the first place.  I keep going through your things hoping to find something you've left behind for me.  If it is here, I haven't found it yet.  Anyway, I miss you...a lot.  I had a glass of wine from one of the 10000 bottles up in your room.  It was bitter sweet because I could chose any bottle I wanted without you to tell me no but my God how I wish you were here to tell me no.  

Love but still pissed,

Lyndsey

Stick it up your ass

Well, there is one thing that has gone back to normal...my anger. I hate stupid people. Hate them. In fact, I would totally support having to take a test before ever being allowed to procreate. How's that for Pro-life, assholes? Stop lecturing me on how good you are because no one gives a shit. Oh and also...NO ONE BELIEVES YOU AND EVERYONE MAKES FUN OF YOU. Everyone. So you can take your "my life is so perfect and everything I do is right" attitude and shove it up your stupid, ignorant ass. You shit-hook.

Dad

Dear Dad,

It has been a week since your death and I do NOT feel any better.  I sit in your office more mad at you than I have ever been.  They say there are 6 steps to grief but I doubt I get past the 2nd one.  I HATE IT that you left so abruptly without any goodbyes.  Why did you not write a letter when you were told you had 9 months?  Or record a video?  How were you so certain you could beat this shit? And why in the world were you not honest with me?  You know it's funny Dad when I hear people say "I'd rather be a soldiers widow than a coward's wife" because I wonder if Mom feels that way.  I would rather you have stayed home from Vietnam so you were never exposed to "agent orange" and I bet, and this is just a guess, Mom feels the exact same way.  I want my father back.  I resent the fact you are gone and so many ungrateful people are here.  I'm trying to be strong like I told you I would but I feel it is impossible.  I hate this world and I'm really starting to not like God.    

Love but still pissed,

Lyndsey

obsessions

I started out this blog to document my pregnancy. Now that the pregnancy is over, I am changing things up. Today is Ash Wednesday and although to some people it's just another made up day in the craziness of Christianity, I am respecting today and the Lent season. So, what to give up? Mistakenly, this is the question most people recognizing Lent will ask themselves today. However, I am asking myself "how can I improve my life and the lives of the people around me?". This is what I came up with-

- I will stop being so obsessed with what you think about me.
-I will stop being so obsessed with what I think about you.
-I will be obsessed with "trying to make nice" even though in most cases "I'm not ready to make nice". TRY is the key word.
-I will downsize my life. For those of you who witnessed this last year I bet you are rolling your eyes right now. I promise this year will be different. This also means that if someone causes ciaos in my life I will not try to make nice.